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From Lucky Animals:

There’s a Fix for That

Do you prefer adding or subtracting?  Yeah, me too. Fortunately, I was raised by a circus family, so I got a head start. Some people think there is a science to it, but it’s really just the elephant of surprise. Of course, it takes two to tango, but it’s always great to get a compliment, especially when you don’t have to pay for it.

Yesterday, I was out back trying to milk the drunken snakes. No, not the poisonous ones; their colors are too vengeful. Normally, I like to collect secrets, but since the latest labor shortage and all the high-pitched accidental savagery, it’s been nearly impossible for me to communicate with other life forms. Heck, I can hardly read my own handwriting.

Ms. Molotov, my wrestling coach, says I should stop worrying; there is nothing to fear, but life itself. (She should know, she purchased her last online husband from Amazon Prime.) Her hair is as symmetrical as a near drowning and she smells of bargain basement high-octane. I think I love her. Whenever we drive in my low-slung Bagatelle, with the top down and the music on, she thinks I’m short, fair, and handsome. Saturday, as we took a spin, I told her, At least I’m not a danger to myself or anyone I know. She squinted into the middle distance, reached into her purse for her lily-colored handgun, and purred, Turn up the volume, Preston. Drive faster.


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