Yesterday, it was beautiful money weather, so I went outside and gave a green crewcut to our charismatic lawn. I used the acoustic mower because its kinder to the invertebrates. Animal misbehavior is none of my business, but at those tiny latitudes, who can blame them? Big things come in small packages. Lately, I’ve been giving some thought to the crux of the matter. It’s easier to lose weight than it is to get taller, but is nothing sacred? Since the onslaught of unfettered laissez-faire market discipline, my clothes have sent silent signals to the fashion enemy, so they always know exactly where to find me. Inexplicably, there have been no recent suicides in my neighborhood. Some blame it on a run of good luck, others say it’s because of the preemptive euthanasia. All over the world people want something different, but to be perfectly honest, I want the same thing, a thousand different ways.